A chocolate to remember – 3 July 8, 2006Posted by silentEcho in Emotions, moron's Diary.
I understand now why the term is ‘crush’. It crushes the hell out of you. Makes you go haywire. Your life becomes one big mayhem and only pandemonium exists. This somewhat fat, bearded boy, who ascended from the girl-poor IIT Kanpur hostel room became someone completely different. Anurag was right. How could I do it? Me? Even I was taken over by disbelief but in any case I had done it. Over the next few days, I became oblivious of the outside world. For me nothing existed except me and those foolish fantasies. I realise it now, human mind is brilliant. Even the mind of jackasses like me ( human jackasses ). It can build up on things in such a way that sometimes one might be confused about what is real and what is surreal. My fantasies grabbed me and I lost track of studies and stuff. No I am not blaming it on anybody except me. I should have followed what I had said to her but I didn’t do it. My blogging tempo was on a high and I posted a review on my visit to IITD where I happened to mention a bit about this incident. I also commented on a post about Rendezvous on phoenix‘s blog. She visited my blog and read my post and she turned out to be a friend of the girl I had tried to give the chocolate to. I am not joking or making up stuff. I was surprised myself at this coincidence. She made the lady read my blog and somewhere in my comments back to phoenix I mentioned that her friend owed me a chocolate.
Anyway Phoenix commented back that the girl was visiting IITK for Antaragni which is IITK’s culfest. As if fantasies were not enough, now she was coming to my place. I was mad as mad can be. I became totally different person. I see it now. People turn foolish during such times and do things completely alien to them. In any case there, I changed a lot. For example, my wardrobe, which earlier had just baggy pants and some T’s now had Jeans. The shaving thing, which used to occur once in what a month or so now happened more regularly. There were many other changes. The effect was more or less like the Kuchh to hua hai song from Kal ho na ho. My mother was very happy to see me change ( we had mid term break before Antaragni ) though she didn’t knew the reason then.
Antaragni approached and I failed my own words. The vow to remain unknown was off to no-man’s land. Anurag was in hospitality cell and I made him promise to tell me about the IITD contingent as soon as the details arrived. He never told me though. The fest date came and it began. Working in three cells I had very less time but luckily I had enough time to roam in SAC ( Student Activity Center ) and on the first or probably the second day I saw her. We crossed at the control room which as the name suggests controls most of the activity during Antaragni. I don’t know whether she saw me but I saw her. Then this other time I was entering SAC when she was standing nearby and as I passed ( essentially gutless and I was amazed at this. At IITD things happened by themselves. I believe I know the reason now. I had fantasized so much that I was somehow feeling guilty of turning wrong to my own words. I couldn’t think straight about her or anything for that matter. I had no courage now to go to her and in that way I was fullfilling my words. I know this is rubbish but I thought this way back then ) someone just called her by name.
I turned into my worst nightmare. No, this stuff is nothing serious but at that time I was feeling strange. I walked in to the hospitality desk, found the IITD registration data and got what I required. In doing so I breached the promise I had made, to me and to her. It ofcourse didn’t matter to her ( or atleast I think so ) but I sank down with everything I did next. So what did I do?
Well another chocolate was the most obvious thing. I took a Kit Kat and put it in an envelope. I put her name on it and left it on the control desk. On a small corner of the envelope I left this remark : A chocolate to remember. Yeah it sounds foolish but you act foolishly at such times. I left it at the control desk and notified a very good friend of mine at control desk about what was going on. How much I hate this now! Manipulating things and people for gains like this. Most unlike me because I am least involved with girls ( but no I am not a fairy ). I didn’t know what to expect and after all this I went back to work.
On the last day of Antaragni, when I was busy doing stuff in Convocation Ground where KK’s live show was to be held shortly then, I got a call from a guy who asked for some details about hindi competitions ( I was in that cell also ). He said he wanted to meet me outside SAC so I said that I will be right there. When I was halfway through, I found all this fishy but I went nonetheless. When I reached the SAC gate I saw two guys standing with the ‘your-balls-are-mine’ look on their faces. It hit me then. They looked at me as a butcher looks at the chicken before killing. And my mouth slipped again, ” By any means, you have no plans of beating me up? ” They smiled back. “No, just come.”
And they took me to where the entire ( well most of the ) IITD contingent was. There she was, sitting in the center and as I reached there, they vacated another chair and mad eme sit next to her. I looked everywhere except at her.
“You have given a chocolate to our very chococlaty sweet friend,” said one of the guys. “May I ask why?”
“I don’t know. It just occurred to me so I gave it to her.”
“A chocolate to remember. Hmmm,” said another and I felt as if the whole world was laughing at me. Well they were atleast. “How will she remember it when she would just eat it?”
“The feelings matter not the chocolate itself.” So I am this spiritual teacher or philosopher now.
“Ohhhhhhhh…but why did you give a chocolate to her? Why not me?”
What kind of a question is this? It’s my chocolate and I can do whatever I like to do with it. But anyway I slipped my hand in my bag, grabbed a chocolate and gave it to the person who asked the question. I don’t remember what their reaction was. I was not feeling anyhting at all or may be I was feeling too much. I told them that I had work so I needed to go. They left me and I started to walk away when the guys who had called me place came and apologised for what had just happened. I said it was okay and started again when she came to me and said something which broke my heart ( now this is one common line used zillions of times but I couldn’t think of anything else so my heart simply broke at that point ).
“Arvind, I can’t take this chocolate.”
“Because I already owe you one.”
What could have I said after all this?
“Owe this one as well,” and I left.
To be concluded